Mom's Journal

1)  When I now hear your name mentioned, I:  Remember how much I loved your name when I chose it at your birth!  I will always love the name Travis Lavoy Robbins.

2)  One of the last things I remember doing with you was:  Watching a lightening storm from the parking lot of The Rice Bowl in Chico - An amazing lightening storm that shot violently sideways across the sky - this was the last time we ate dinner together as a family.  Now when I see those kind of lightening storms - I immediately think of you.

3)  Since your death, my life:  Has changed so much - it blew up at first, but now Dad and your brothers (you also have a sister-in-law now) and I are rebuilding - never forgetting you, but life must continue.

4)  I always wanted to ask you:  How could you leave us all - those with which you had such a great bond of love - was your pain that great?  Also, what were the voices telling you - It's hard to imagine what was going on in your head.

5)  I wish I had:  Urged Dad to fly out to join you the day we found out you were still struggling - he was planning to on the next Tuesday, but he never had the opportunity.  That Tuesday,  5 1/2 months after you left for Minnesota and ended up in North Dakota was when we discovered that life had not improved for you with your attempt to 'Get away from it all' - by Saturday you were gone.

6)  I miss:  Your smile and sense of humor and especially your hugs - your beautiful hair as well!  Actually everything about you - you know how much Mother's love their sons!  At least I hope you did/do.

7)  I wish you had:  Been able to tell us what you were feeling and hearing and experiencing.

8)  My friends need to understand that:  I need to talk about you often, so you are still in my life.  I have some very good friends who are willing to give me a lifetime to process through loosing you. 

9)  I'm furious that:  Your doctor did not prescribe medication to help you (especially when you recognized in the summer of 2005 that you were feeling depressed) and that the Emergency Room doctors in North Dakota would not allow the ambulance to transport you 4 days before your death, when there was the window of opportunity.

10)  If you were living now:  You might still be struggling, and we would still be trying to find help for you & trying our best to understand what you would be experiencing.  The disease you suffered from is tragically incurable, and the medication often is only of little help.  We would be dedicating our lives to helping you survive as best we and you could - You are now cured - just not in the way we ever expected or wanted!

11)  I find it hard to forgive:  I refuse to harbor unforgiveness - so this is not a problem for me - we all did the best we could and knew how.  Even though I am furious at the doctors, I have forgiven them and do not hold it against them.

12)  My greatest surprise since you died is:  How many tears a person can shed, and that they at times can be your friend.  Also that I could live through such a tragedy - a broken heart does not heal quickly or completely. 

13)  What scares me the most is:  That I might lose someone else I love so dearly - I don't think I will be able to survive if I do.

14)  Wonderful recollections I'll never forget are:  Family vacations - we always had so many fun family times together throughout the year, but summer & fall vacation was THE BEST!!!  Our times with our boys are memories that no one can take from us!  Just wish you could be a bigger part of the future plans - we will always take you with us - wherever we go - you are always a part of our lives and family - forever!  (I wish you were here to play the harmonica around the campfire that you used to so skillfully build for us)