Sue's Journal

1)  When I now hear your name mentioned, I:   Stop before I say your name thinking how hard it must be for your mother to hear me say it.  But, I do, and she always has that thoughtful look in her eyes, not always sad.

2)  One of the last things I remember I did with you was:   When you  c ame into Little Chico Creek School to see your mother.  I met you there.  Such a handsome boy!!

3)  Since your death, my life:  is much more aware of people who suffer from schizophrenia disorder, how it affects them, and their families.  It is such a painful disease.  I try to make others aware of this.

4)  I always wanted to ask you:   If I could have helped you.  If I had known more?  I would have.

5)  I wish I had:  Screamed and Yelled that you can't let him go.  I'm so afraid.

6)  I wish you had:  Been able to accept help.  It isn't your fault that you couldn't.  I just wish you could have.

7)  My friends don't understand that:   I hurt for your mother.  That I am impacted by everything that has happened. 

8)  I'm furious that:   I'm not furious

9)  If you were living now:   I may not be as close of friend to your mother.  Even so, I trade it for your presence here on Earth.  But, I am so glad to have a friend like your mother.

10)  I find it hard to forgive:   Myself.  I knew when you were giving all of your things away that it wasn't a good sign.  That is when I wished I would have Yelled and Screamed.

11)  My greatest surprise since you died is:   How I can see little "miracles" in the small things....How I know that even though you can't come back and speak directly to your family, you always make sure they know you are okay and with God in Heaven.  That helps all of us.

12)  What scares me the most is:   Is something like this happening again to your family.  (or mine!)

13)  Wonderful recollections I'll never forget are:   How you wrote a paper for school about how much you loved your family and how great your life was with them.   I'm so glad you wrote that, and I know it was true, even when you were in so much pain at the end of your earthly life.